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Dear MerrilHey Merril
What u saying bui. Tuesday is da big day dread!! I coming home!! Bui I so excited you have NO IDEA!! Wish you coulda been there to treat me to them McNuggets I was hounding on to to send me thru FedEx. And my birthday present too. You said it would be awaiting my return ya know. How are things with u though? I hear ya Boy Jeffery chilling with u and Mack now. Its amazing how all things seem to work out now huh?
But I miss you doe. In ways words can't adequately express. I still does be in shock sometimes ya know. I does visit that website, and wonder why it's there. I mean its been so long already and it still isn't sinking in that u are dead. Dead..wow. Das a word I would have never attributed to you, as lively as you were. I remember how you felt when I cut my hair. You said " If you were my girl I would have dumped you for that. You is woman, woman supposed to have hair." Lol boy that was a argument after that. But then when u saw it you were like" Wow, it looks surprisingly good on you." I growing my hair back now. I got a lil fro going on. I would let my hair grow down to my waist if to only hear ur voice one more time. And those things that I always wanted to try and you were willing to show me. I don't know if I will try them with anyone else, cause we talked about them so much, that to do them with someone else would seem like some sort of betrayal.
There is always a lil damper when I talk about coming home because there is always that knowledge that we can't chill together like we had planned. Man aye Merril, I een wan cry no more ya know!! I'm so tired of crying and feeling sad and missing you and knowing that you are gone forever and that I will never see you again, or hear your voice or see your smile. I just want to wake up tomorrow and call u on the phone. Bui I almost called you today ya know. I was scrolling through my phone and I wanted to call your number, just to see if you would answer it. Then there are so many times when I accidentally sent you email, and a lump would form in my throat everytime I came across your name in my favorites list. I sometimes go over the conversation logs that I saved and dread, it makes me want to laugh and cry, cause I feel so close to you, but I know that you are so far away!!
Someone said something to me that hurt me so much the other day dread. After this HUGE misunderstanding I had over something I wrote to you a girl said " You right here missing Merril, I did know Merril, and Merril didn't love you!!" Dread that hurt, that angered me so much! I felt that she took her personal vendetta against me way to far. Like she had touched and defiled something sacred that was supposed to be outta reach of people the likes of her. I got so angry at her, I swear to Jah if that girl had said that in my presence I would have hurt her!!!
Thoughts of you often cross my mind unbidden. I would be thinking something totally unrelated to you and thoughts of you would somehow find there way front and center. Then my eyes would start stinging with tears yet again and that all familiar lump would find a place in my throat and sometimes I would feel so guilty for being alive when you are not. I feel guilty for being happy when you are gone. Sometimes I would stop mid-smile and feel guilty for doing so. I asked God one time to just let me take your place, he never answered, but from his silence I am guessing its a "NO." Nothing remains the same!!
 One more day, one more time, one more sunset baby and I'll be satisfied.But then again I know what it would do, keep me wishing still for one more day with you!!
I am here missing you like I am going outta my mind. And I got to keep strong cause I know that if I miss you this much then your family must be feeling this tenfold. And I feel empathetic towards them. But I thank God for loaning you to us for the time that he did. Sometimes I does be reluctant to say rest in peace to you cause sometime I get so mad at you that I don't want u to be resting dread. What the hell ya ass resting for man?? I een ready for you to be gone yet!!!
You may be gone, but I een gin never forget you!! And I would cry an ocean for you if it would only bring you back!!
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