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Chronicles of a Long Distance Relationship: Week TwoIf she could have the desires of her heart, she would stop the tears that come when she least expects them too. She would have no need to cry.
If this world were hers he would be here beside her and not hundreds of miles away. If things should go her way she would be holding him in her arms and not closing her eyes and trying to remember how damn good it felt to be enveloped in him. If she had it her way she would be talking to him face to face instead of through machines. But the world doesn't belong to her, and she can't have all the desires of her heart, so she must bear her sorrow, for a few weeks more. Til the day she can behold her love again! Chronicles of a Long Distance Relationship: Week OneShe bravely gave him a passionate kiss in the middle of the airport. This would be the last kiss time that his lips would touch hers for the next 4 months. She didn't dare linger too long to prevent those tears she had been holding back all morning should find themselves trickling down her already flushed cheeks.
With a quiet determination she told him good bye, but couldn't bear to watch him walk away from her. She turned to the ticket agent and said "I'm checking in for Providenciales, Turks and Caicos." And with that, their long separation had begun. She busied herself with her iPod and made small talk with the other passengers whilst waiting on the plane; anything in an effort not to bring her thoughts to all of those weeks she would spend away from her love. By the time the plane landed and her disembarkation was delayed with "Swine Flu Surveys" her mood had gone from the false facade of cheer that she had been wearing to visibly annoyed, as reality settled in and she realized what a task she had before her. Her spirit was raised some when she saw friends that she had not seen in the time that she had been away. But as soon as she found herself alone, her thoughts drifted again to the love that she had left hundreds of miles away. She spent her days texting him and her nights IMing him. Keeping in constant contact. Fighting of her withdrawal symptoms by giving her cravings the minimal dose that it would take to keep the nausea and cold sweats and pain of detoxing at bay. Keeping her thoughts as pure as possible so that she could endure this seemingly endless summer of drought. One week down.... Seventeen more to go.... YA BitchSigh! Oh GOODNESS how it pains me to have to write one of these again!! Ladies... I ain hating...But Ya man is a bitch. The other girl MAY have self esteem issues... Ya man STILL is a bitch! Yeah yeah, she ugly and pathetic and needs to get a life (rolls eyes)... WHERE is your man bitch? Ya know what I would hope? That the "wifey" would stop spending so much time making noise with the "sideline ho" and start looking at the husband that won't stop fucking her! Home girl don't CARE that that's your man! Obviously not! The pleas to her ain working, the trouble you causing ain working, all of the negative energy that u are expending on this feud ain working! Give it up and get another man OR SHUT UP ABOUT YA BITCH, and live with it... I know that in an ideal world, if your man strays, you would call up the other woman, explain to her how he has a wife/girlfriend and some kids and that she should stop seeing ya dude to keep his family together. In that IDEAL WORLD, you would appeal to her caring side, and she would stop seeing him. But in the REAL world, home girl don't care and more than likely she tryin to make some babies of her own with YA BITCH! Now this time YALL BITCH just sitting round playing the two a you fa the fools that you are... The sweetheart saying "If she coulda keep her man he wouldn't be here with me." And the "wifey" on the other hand saying "She so stupid she can't see he coming home to me every night?" And I'm here saying THE BOTH a yall need to get a flipping life, and get tested then find new men! What the man doing? Living stress free and getting taken care of by two women... The REAL bad BITCH in this situation is gettin off virtually scot free, while yall two dummies bickering back and forth! So can we get both the main woman and the side woman to just SHUT THE HELL UP, Stop stirring up unnecessary drama on ppl quiet little Facebook and let us all just get along???
Originally written Friday, March 20, 2009 at 10:50pm
To My Lovely I am in love:)... Or maybe not. This is so much more than love. Something deeper, more profound than that over used, abused and misused word that has become nothing more than a trivial turn of phrase... Trying to put this intense feeling into word form just doesn't seem to do this amazingly beautiful thing, or this incredible being that I have found, any justice... Now I am moving on to living a drama-free existence with my love. Before this, I was sure that I had felt love, but I have never felt anything like this. This pure, raw, untamed emotion! Its like it has a life of its own. It does what it wants and it controls our thoughts... This love just snuck into our lives and permeated our spirits. Now its living and growing and becoming so much stronger than I ever thought possible. I love being in love!! To feel what I feel for this wonderful person that God has given me. Eric, if you are reading this, I just want you know that I am enamored of you. I am so grateful for this love that you've bestowed upon me. That you have allowed me to get to know and fall in love with your wonderful spirit. Just knowing you has made me a better person, a calmer person, a more understanding person. I know that you are not perfect, and I have fallen in love with your flaws and your idiosyncrasies... My heart still flutters whenever I see you smile at me. I still get weak in the knees every time you kiss me. I feel so protected when I am wrapped up in you. A grin still comes to my face whenever a random thought of you pops into my head. I feel so proud when I am walking next to you. I still get excited when I know that I will see you... My lover, my best friend, my happy thought, my yin, my sanity, my protector, my comforter, my counselor, my cheer leader, MY FUTURE... So many things you are!!! I am for ever so grateful for all that you are to me, and all that I hope you will be to me!! So I say I love you baby, but I don't... This is so much stronger than love! Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. 1 Corinthians 13:8  I Wish I wish that all the PNPs and PDMs would put all their petty bullshit
aside... Right now, they don't even exist! The big, bad British came
and took everyone's voice away just like that! So while everyone
undoubtedly busy pointing fingers at each other, I wish that they would
band together and turn that bullshit around! If there was ever a time when ALL Turks Islanders could unite, I would wish it would be now... Not as a PDM or a PNP but as TURKS ISLANDERS! Stop the blame game and just fucking FIX IT!! http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=59712147883&h=xBWgO&u=TOdEA&ref=nf Letting It Go Hello World!! What a week I've had! My sister and one of my favorite high school teachers died, some of my family members are sick, I was home sick and all alone... Talk about emotionally draining!! I spent last weekend crying myself to sleep every night... And then I got into this HUGE fight with my boyfriend about one of his friends I do not care for. He is in Nassau now, so I spent all of Monday being mad and not talking to him, yet missing him like crazy, falling even deeper into this abyss of depression (I don't recommend that tactic). Anyway, so I was pressuring him to work with me and let go of this friend and then got all huffy because he wouldn't. So there I was carrying this grudge against this girl that I hardly know. I am convinced that God works in mysterious ways, because this situation had me stressed out and ready to be on my own. Then I got an email from Chrystal and it totally put things in perspective for me. My motto used to be "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff Because Soon They Won't Even Matter." But here I was sending my self crazy over this small thing and totally ready to sacrifice my relationship because of it. I was willing to let my stubborn pride get in the way of all my future happiness. I do remember praying to God that he would remove these feelings of hate from me. And afterward, I saw that I was making a big deal out of something that I can just brush off. So I am letting go and letting God have his way. I know most of you will be shocked to know that I DO have a relationship with God. But we talk... OFTEN... I know that I may be rambling, but I am having a moment of clarity, and I am going to be a big person, and I will not try to hold on to a grudge that I may be holding onto by myself. So no more tears and worrying and stressing about this situation anymore!! I Still Miss You
Hey guy, its been a while since I wrote anything on here... I know u know that I haven't forgotten you. I mean please, u are unforgettable...
I miss u... I always miss u. Still find myself choking up when I think about you. I am crying so much tonight I am getting nauseated... I really miss you dude... Especially now that I am practically failing math... Lol I was thinking about how I hooked Monique up with those awesome math skills of yours when she was going through the same thing... I wonder what you would be like now... All grown up and getting on with life. Wonder if u would be married by now with some god babies for me. U were quite a playboy, it would be super shocking to see u married  ...There is so much I wanna share with you, so many things u said to me that I didn't REALLY understand til years later... And then I would have one of those "AHA!" moments, where I feel Legally Blonde for catching it so late, yet so super smart at the same time cause I actually got how profound it was...Lol. I always remember thinking you were so wise for your age... I am catching you up now... We'll soon be the same age... Its really weird... I miss u... Sometimes I still ask why... They say everything happens for a reason and that you will somehow be better after something senseless like this happens... Nearly 4 years later and I don't know... I still don't get it. All I know is I love u dude and I am grateful for the short time you spent here on earth with us. Well anyway, that Math midterm is tomorrow... I am gonna go act like I am studying... :) R.I.P. Hon... I'll Never Forget You... In Honour Of World AIDS Day Dec 1 2008 A special message to all of my strong, black women under 25: Ladies its like we're being targeted, like we're being threatened with eradication. Every year we remain the largest group that is affected by HIV/AIDS... Getting it from these same nasty ass men that we are fighting over... Think you can't live without sex? Get a sex toy and back up batteries! Coochie cobwebs much better than 15 mins (if you lucky) of so-so sex, that leads to a lifetime of stigma and discrimination... This ain like back in our grandmother's day when dudes cheated and outside kids and some shame was all a woman had to live with... Now cheating killing us... LITERALLY... Women in our age group, that look like us, wives, students, professionals coming up, all getting HIV. Its not always because they are promiscuous, its cause they know their men are sleeping around and they are too ashamed or afraid to kick his ass to the curb or INSIST dude wears a condom the WHOLE time, EVERY time... Stats show that a majority of men that are living with HIV/AIDS contracted it from ANOTHER MALE. Guys if ya want be gay, do you, and him, don't mess with me... Black men are responsible for killing black women, all because they want be "straight" and sleeping with other dudes... Reality check pimpin YOU GAY!! Ladies! Be careful, don't be a statistic, love does not prevent the transmission of STDs! Get tested... If ya man is a hoe, and this is something that you know, WRAP IT UP!! If you know he tryna be a lover, but he is a boongy bandit undercover WRAP IT UP!! Keep safe guys!! Make A Housewife Outta WHO??!! BLASPHEMY!!Sooo I did something today that I haven't done in a year or so... I washed my clothes and get this! HUNG THEM ON THE CLOTHES LINE!!! I KNOW RIGHT? Like WHOA!! So now I am mad mad mad... And I ain talkin ta none a them for a few hours... Lil suckahz gone TOTALLY steal ppl joy... SMT!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! A POX ON THE BOTH A YALL!!! This Too Shall Remain Anonymous!" So you carrying all three of the fans?" I asked.
"Yes! You don't understand EVERYTHING? I AIN LEAVING NUTTIN FA IS HIM AND HIS DOMINICAN", she shouted back, head down in the closet making sure she left nothing in there.
"But he gin be hot, its summer time".
"Let they ass sweat I ain leaving shit!"
"You right here gal, let them sweat, he wasn't thinking bout you when he was doing what he was doing, so why u should think about him?" piped up another one of her cohorts.
"The two a the TVs is mine too, and I ain leaving none a them", she mumbled as she scrambled around, hands full of miscellaneous shit.
"You leaving this computer right it ain even working."
"Hell no, das mine and I ain leaving shit"
There we were, all four of us, packing up all of her earthly belongings in big black garbage bags. Scurrying around the small apartment looking for all items that she could have possibly missed.
"Go look up in the cupboard and get all a my seasonings, and my oats, his high cholesterol ass can't think he gin be eating them".
We were working as quickly as possible to get everything out in case he should drop in unexpectedly. We had already devised our escape plan. I was to be in charge of attacking him on his bad arm, and the others were to grab whatever objects that were around them to ward of any hostility.
"Oh all a my cleaning stuff!! I can't believe I was gin be leaving all a these! These the most important things!" She exclaimed excitedly as she looked in yet another cupboard.
"Aja go in the fridge and put everything in that bag. Let me show u what is mine, cause I ain want him telling no one that Bahamian gal thief none of his things".
The bag started filling up with various perishables as she went through EVERY item she found in the refrigerator and checked the contents of each one. "Ok this mine, this mine, you can leave all a them, I meet them there, this mine, what the hell this is? I gin leave that too... this mine. Ohh and bring my white Zinfandel, him and his Dominican ain gin be sipping on these!"
In about an hour, the apartment looked as if a tornado had touched down. Me, being the awesome influence that I am thought we should leave it as it was. But I was overruled, "Not fa him to bring his Dominican up in here and say 'look how dirty that Bahamian used to have this apartment'".
So we spent another half hour watching her sweep up, and mop up and wipe down all of the surfaces in the house, take out the garbage and then replace curtains, mix and match though they were, the rest of us refusing to help.
I was there sitting on the couch sipping on one of HIS Coors Lites, thinking how hilarious this shit was.
"You know you gin be a blog entry right? Give me couple weeks when u ain think this shit so serious, we can all sit back and laugh about it".
LunchtimeI am hungry!
It's lunchtime and I am hoping that the two Special K bars that I found at the bottom of my purse can sustain me through the rest of the day.
Hahahahahaha riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!
It seems like the more I eat them the hungrier I get.
I fooled myself into thinking that the Little Debbie raisin pie and a glass of milk that I had scarfed down for breakfast could tide me over til after work! Pipe dreams I tell ya! Mere minutes after settling into work I could feel the beginnings of rumblings at the pit of my stomach.
Now munchies on like whoa and my stomach is launching a very loud, verbal protest about the meager and ultra saccharine morsels that I'd nibbled on in this futile attempt to appease the beast they call hunger.
On those extremely rare occasions when I do somehow manage to scrap together something to bring for lunch, I usually end up forgetting it on my kitchen counter or right at the bottom of the fridge.
I wish that I was one of those ppl that could always forsee the importance of lunch BEFORE sitting down STARVING for an hour and very seriously thinking about chewing on my own damn arm. Everyday, when faced with this predicament they call "the no-ride diet", I think to myself 'Tomorrow you are going to fix yourself a decent lunch before you leave the house in the morning'. But apparently, fixing lunch means waking up earlier than my usual 7:15... Sooo here I am again... Starving!
(Sigh) Oh well!! TOMORROW I'LL KNOW BETTER!! Right?
PassionI LOVE passion. Passion for anything. Everytime I see a movie about someone passionate about love or music or dance, I find myself wanting to take piano lessons, or dance classes, or daydreaming about finding my Prince Charming who will come and whisk me away to a place with lots of expensive shoes in every imaginable hue.
Don't let me watch one of those shows, So You Think You Can Dance OR American Idol on televison. It over then! For the rest of the night I'll be walking around my house trying an "Arabesque" in front of my mirror. Or singing, (very badly) at the top of my lungs, in notes I am SURE God never intended for me to use.
Passion is everything! Without that zeal, that zest, that extra special OOmph, then life is nothing.
When passion dies, then everything dies.
Now if I can wake up tomorrow morning with a beautiful singing voice all will be good!! (Fingers crossed) HERE'S TO HOPING!! This Love
You know forever I have been an advocate and president of the anti love movement... Well I had my slips every now and then, (but we ain want talk about past mistakes now...)
And totally by accident I believe that I have found the Yin to my Yang, almost my complete opposite and exactly what I need. The light to my dark, the calm to my storm, my happy thought when I am down...
For the first time, in any relationship that I've ever been in, when he doesn't bend to my every wish, I don't use it as an excuse to break up with him, I stick it out because I can see my future with this guy.
I have been teased almost mercilessly by some of my friends who can't believe that I am here all in love and actually admitting it, but this dude is awesome!! Simply the best, and he makes me happy, and as long as he keeps me happy, and even sometimes when he doesn't, I'm gonna want to be with him. He compliments me oh so well.
This isn't going to be easy to make this relationship work, but we have a strong foundation and a solid underlying friendship that is based on open ness and trust. So I hope everything else will fall into place...
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!I AM SO FUCKING PISSED I JUST WANT TO SCREAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! All this BULLSHIT IS GIVING ME A FUCKING HEADACHE!!!! 1...2...3... WOOSAH!
INHALE (DEEP BREATH) EXHALE (RELEASE BREATH). THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS (not the one that is currently annoying you). DEEP BREATH IN... AND LET IT OUT... U ARE IN A MEADOW, WITH BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS AND BUTTERFLIES. U CAN SMELL THE THE FRAGRANT FLOWERS . AND U SMILE. U ARE AT PEACE, U FEEL THE WARMTH OF THE SUN ON YOUR HEAD AND SHOULDERS. AND YOU SMILE. U ARE SOOTHED BY THE SOUNDS OF THE NEARBY BABBLING BROOK. AND U SMILE. U RUN AFTER THE BUTTERFLIES AND U CATCH THE MOST BEAUTIFUL OF THEM ALL... SEE THE BUTTERFLY? ISN'T IT LOVELY? SMILE AT THE BUTTERFLY.
NOW.... CRUSH THE BUTTERFLY!!! TEAR ITS PRETTY FUCKING LITTLE WINGS OFF!! STOMP ALL OVER HIM!!
NOW SCREAM!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THERE? DON'T U FEEL BETTER ALREADY?
Step Out On Faith?
In a few months I am going to be moving back to the Bahamas to go to school, to be near my father and to be closer to the love of my life, Eric LL Cooper. Yes, I will be giving up my job ( I hate it by the way), which seemed to be the first question everyone asked, can't really do that long distance Now, everyone assumes that Eric is the only reason that I am moving back home. I am tired of defending it and trivializing it, so I will say this once and for all.
I love the man. I want to be with him and I want to see where this relationship goes. I am not naive and I do know of all the perils that call befall a relationship, but I am damn sure gonna give it my best shot! Everyone has but one life to live and I am damn well gonna live out my one life...
Now, God forbid that things don't go according to plan I will be proud to say I atleast tried. If he cheats, or freaks or turns out not the be the person that I am HEAD OVER HEELS for, then I will find out, but I will be damned if a few years down the line I will be asking myself "what if?"
You guys may have my best interest at heart, but I know what is in my heart and I know what I want. Its been a long time coming, it isn't something that happened over night, it took years to get to this point and I'll be damned if I let it slip away.
In life the only guarantee that one ever gets, is that their life must one day come to an end. Until my end, I will give happiness every attempt. Tick TockThis has got to be the hardest thing that I have ever done... This... doing nothing... Just sitting around and waiting. Waiting until you are ready. Waiting until we are in the same place, same time. Waiting for the right conditions...
I WANT TO SCREAM!!! I AM READY!!
'Patience is a virtue', they say...
'Fuck patience', I say.
I know what I want and I want now!!! originally written Feb 12, 2008 12:43 AM Don't Go (For safe keeping)Mind twisted, I cant think straight heart racing, baby i can't breathe straight suffering a sting one worst than death having the one you love so deeply say they hate you was never afraid of death of course thats inevitable but was afraid to lose you now look what happened played it safe for so many years keeping feelings on wraps, take a risk see whats hidden so deeply a friendship like none other, a love so strong a bond like no one man can break, scattered into broken bits and pieces trying to scavenge the pieces left behind but only to lose it all the love hasn't gone, love doesn't just go away with out your love it feels empty with out your smile nothing feels good anymore with out you to talk to there is only me lost, confused, tired, like a beaten dog unlike the dog no one comes to aid because the only aid has turn their back in order to forget not blaming them cause it hurts regardless trying to hold on to a possibility trying to hold on to a dream with so many obstacles its a catch 22 with no forgiveness either way goes like this, you lose or you lose the hurt is endless but i don't wanna lose call me selfish but why'd you have to choose be with me a little longer we wont have to go thru it much longer trust me, take my hand, its just you and me hand extend but no ones reaching out for it eyes blurred, cant see whats in front of me head spinning, the room keeps running from me what can i do, what can i say for you not to take your love away seems like I'm too late, seems like time has pass me by why why why, I keep asking my self not now, not later, then when, never, i never want to lose to lose is to fail, to fail is to say i gave up I'll never give up on you, never give up on me never give up what in my mind i think is meant to be little things changes the world around us you've changed my world to a point of no return I cant turn back now to what it used to be how is that possible and you invoke my every being I couldn't see a future with out you and nothing has changed, the future is more blurry than before usually when a door closes another one opens but I'm stuck at your door knocking for you to let me in on my hands and knees, i beg you please but no answer at your door, only soft whimpers on the other side tear drops fall to the grown, with no reply heavy breathing with a lot of sighs no one to comfort the empty feeling inside back to the same question, why why why it was going good in the beginning, why not the end when together we were more than friends, more than loverS, something different they told me it was a thin line between love and hate I walked the line and didn't even notice thought that love was eternal, i thought we could wait to be one once more, longer than before baby I'm asking please open back the door don't walk away from it all with no remorse when you cried i felt your pain now it seems like I'm the source of it all I don't want you to cry no more, let me comfort you don't push me away no more, baby please don't go by Da Remedy Wednesday Feb 8, 2008 I've Got This...I've got this feelin like I can't breathe And this Sensation like my heart has stopped . I have these Thoughts that my world is ending Can't think right Cause my Breath is racing. Can't see straight Cause my Head is pounding. Happy thoughts Turned into Crushed emotions Daylight changed to dancing shadows Trust is now a mere memory Future plans turned to dust Love for me overpowered by lust For her The enemy! When it should be You and me Destiny Or so we thought... But I won't shed another tear And I Won't reveal another fear BecauseTHAT THAT DOESN'T KILL ME, CAN ONLY MAKE ME STRONGER! No Stalkers Please So... I just got home from the most interesting date that I have ever had... EVER... So, there we were about 15 mins into the date riding around strange places, talking about my moms, when my date tells me... "We are being followed". I look at him, laughed and asked "Are you kidding? By Who?" "There is a car full of Dominicans right behind us. Put your seat back slowly and keep your head down." So I am there slowly reclining my seat thinking, 'this dude too damn calm to be serious... wonder if he just wants me in this position to try to feel me up.' "Are u serious? REALLY? Why is she following us?" "She can't let go of the past I guess, we don't have anything going on." As I am laying there... taking this shit all in, uncomfortable as a muddafuck, laughing cause I mean really... This shit is comical, I think to myself, "never again". So I tell him "You know that I am not going out with you again right?" Dude says, while trying to cop a feel off my leg, "You aren't going to let this come between us are u"? I look at him... my mouth agape and ask "Are u fucking kidding me? We on a low speed chase through Provo with some Physco bitch after us and u think I am going out with you again?" "This won't happen again, I can assure you of that." Just then his phone rings. He answers "You need to take you and those kids at home". Haha not only is she following us... the "lady" has her three young kids along for the ride. I move a little... "Keep your hands down. Relax" he says for the millionth time since this bullshit began. Now we are on the road to home and he is sitting there thinking whether to take me home or not.. "Is there another way outta ya road?" Lol jokes fa dayz... Glad to say it ended well... But I was wearin my comfortable shoes so we coulda fuck up atleast one Dominican or I would have atleast given it the old school girl try. Safe to say, never again!! originally written Jan 30, 2008 9:44 PM So Grateful Pt 2 "Sometimes it takes death for u to realize how great life is". Have you stopped lately and thought about how richly blessed your life is? Just think about all of the family and friends that love you and GENUINELY care about you? Have u ever thought of those little things that could have killed you but u are still here? Things that kill other people all the time? You driving too fast, or that "little surgery" you took. Flying from one place to another... things that u hear about on the news, stories that could have been any of us? But through the grace of God we are still here? Even the little things that we waste time worrying over, that we should be giving thanks for... That job that is stressing you out, but providing a source of income. Those children that don't listen that give u that unconditional love. That garbage that is in the kitchen that you told ya husband to take out for the 100th time... Because that means u have someone to share your life with and a shelter over your head. I know that God has been so good to me... He has provided me with the BEST family in the universe, the best friends that I could ever ask for... (Carter, Chrystal and Asa I love u guys to death). The best accidental friendship ever (Eric... words can't express my feelings enuff) and my parents that put up with me and my VERY difficult personality... My sister and Devon, without whom I would be homeless, and rideless, and starving. I am grateful for EVERYONE that has been sent into my life... I've had some good days, and I've had some hills to climb I've had some weary days, and some lonely nights But when I look around And I think things over All of my good days... Outweigh my bad days... And I won't complain... Thank You Lord... I won't complain!! RIP Heath Ledger... A Legend In The Making... Gone WAY too soon... originally written Jan 22, 2008 11:29 PM |
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